How To Build Trust In Relationships : 12 Surprising And Crucial Tips


1.The point of building trust in a relationship is for others to believe what you say. Keep in mind, however, that building trust requires not only keeping the promises you make but also not making promises you’re unable to keep. (Trust in relationships)

Keeping your word shows others what you expect from them, and in turn, they’ll be more likely to treat you with respect, developing further trust in the process. (Trust in relationships)

2. Be predictable. When do seeds of suspicion emerge? When one begins to think, what’s up? Why is he doing that? He’s never done that before. That is so unlike him. (Trust in relationships)

He loses 30 pounds, buys a new wardrobe, and comes home late from work. He changes his patterns. His behavior becomes unpredictable. Do you get the picture? (Trust in relationships)

Any movement away from predictable behavior can become suspect and trust can deteriorate. Focus on the acting president in what you do.

This doesn’t mean you must be boring. If there is a twinkle in your eye and a dose of spontaneity every so often, for goodness sakes be spontaneous consistently! (Trust in relationships)

Be true to who you have always been and be that consistently, whoever you tend to be!

ALSO READ- 15 Signs Of A Toxic Relationship

Trust in relationships

Trust in relationships

3. Inform you’re significant other when you become “unpredictable”. No one goes through life the same way. We all make shifts and changes. Frankly, sometimes we may be fairly clueless about what is happening and where we are going. (Trust in relationships)

Those times may be very intense and we do some silly things or make some downright dumb decisions. Life can get very squirrelly and unpredictable. (I have a favorite phrase: Gold is refined through intense heat.)

Growth in an individual, marriage or family often is accompanied by a little chaos.

Welcome these shifts, for there is a part of you searching for something better/ different/ richer/ deeper, but for heaven’s sake, inform your partner of what you are experiencing. Say, ” I really don’t know what is going on in me right now, but I’m moving in a different direction. (Trust in relationships)

Be a little patient with me while I figure this out. I might do some silly things, but my intent is not to harm you or scare you. Accept some of my wanderings and wandering and please be there for me? I may need to run some of this by you every so often!”. (Trust in relationships)

4. Believe the other person is competent. I hear this phrase very often. “But, I don’t want to hurt him”. A couple of things are at play here. First, she may not have the skill of confronting the other with the truth in a way that brings reconciliation and understanding. (Trust in relationships)

She believes truth telling is destructive or entails some sort of drama. Neither is true. The truth is never destructive and can be conveyed in loving ways. (With that said, what we believe to be the truth may indeed be a distorted personal need.) Or, she may see the other person as a wimp; someone she believes cannot handle rigorous personal confrontation. (Trust in relationships)

She doesn’t trust that the other person has the internal strength or stamina or skills to be in a relationship of mutual respect and equality. (Trust in relationships)

The other person picks up on this mistrust and does (feigns inadequacy and incompetence) to avoid the personal confrontation as well. A dance is acted out. Believe and know in your heart that the other person, somewhere and somehow, beneath the games, has the internal strength and capacity to handle anything. (Trust in relationships)

Such trust builds trust in the other person and begins to pervade the relationship. “Hey, she thinks I can handle this! Hmmm, this might be good! I CAN engage her and be truly intimate!”

5. Charge Neutral. When your significant other expresses something powerfully, charge neutral. Most of us are afraid of strong feelings or points of contention in a relationship. (Trust in relationships)

I commonly hear people respond by defending themselves (to a perceived attack), explaining themselves, counter-attacking, shutting down, or walking away. Of course, the relationship remains stuck in this quagmire of mistrust and fear. (Trust in relationships)

Rather than reacting and having your feelings flowing all over the place or shutting down, practice charging neutral.

Communicate calmness, not only in your tone of voice but also in how you carry your body. Don’t speak with a charge to your voice. Control your voice! Say what you must say, state the truth and do it directly and calmly. (Trust in relationships)

You will be able to point out sometimes big, without making a big deal out of it. You will be in control of you. This not only feels great, but your partner trusts that you won’t fly or fall apart. You will experience your personal power. This makes you very attractive. (Trust in relationships)

Don’t people really trust someone who knows their personal power and how to use it for the welfare of themselves and others? Your partner will love the fact of your “quiet center”, remain engaged, not back down and speak the truth with conviction and calmness. (Trust in relationships)

6. Let YOUR needs be known- loudly. Be a little-no, be a lot- self-centered. (Be self-centered, but not selfish!) Here’s a problem I run into almost every day. He is backing away (perhaps attached to work, another person, etc.). She feels the trust and intimacy eroding, is scared, and wants to “win him back”. (Trust in relationships)

So she begins an all-out effort to “work on the marriage”. She invites him to do so as well. He may reluctantly agree. She blasts full throttle ahead trying to “be nice” and meet every need he ever said he had. She’s going to “fill his tank with goodine”. Doesn’t work. Her eyes are riveted on him. (Trust in relationships)

He feels “smothered” or maybe even resentful: “Why is she doing this NOW!” She’s hopeful, but eventually, that turns to resentment. Her underlying motive- if I meet his needs, he will feel good and meet mine- just doesn’t work. (Trust in relationships)

It’s perceived as manipulation, which it is. Of course, he doesn’t say anything. After all, how do you get angry with someone who is “nice and caring”?

Trust disintegrates under a blanket of quiet niceties. Start with your eyes focused on YOU. What do YOU need? Explore your personal need system. Dig beneath the surface. (Trust in relationships)

And then say to him: “I need…x, y, and z. I would like to talk to you about my needs? You respond, “I’m very interested in hearing what is important to you, certainly”. (Trust in relationships)

Have you ever been around someone who stated clearly what they needed/ wanted? Didn’t you respect that person? Because you knew where he stood, and therefore where you stood, didn’t that interaction move toward a trusting relationship? (Trust in relationships)

7. Make sure your words match the message. Mean what you say and say what you mean, when your partner hears one thing in your words but your tone of voice, body language, and facial expressions are really saying something else, you open the relationship to some crazy-making days. (Trust in relationships)

Which message does she believe? This can waste a tremendous amount of energy and she learns not to trust part of what you are saying.

Here’s a very simple but common example. You are getting ready to go to a formal dinner. Your wife comes to you and says, “How do I look?” (And she’s wearing a dress you don’t particularly like and her hair is pulled back in a way that turns you off.)

Not to spoil the evening you enthusiastically say,” You look great “. You don’t really mean it and a part of her knows you really don’t mean it.

But, you leave it at that. This might not seem like a big deal- we all have done something similar- but if trust is shaky, to begin with, it is even shakier now. Here’s how to match the words with the nonverbal: “I think you are a beautiful person. I want you to know that.

I love you dearly and it will be wonderful to have you by my side tonight. Others will see your beauty. (As you say this, you look into her eyes as you put your hands around her waist.) She’s not concerned so much with how she looks but is expressing a need for affirmation.

She is not talking about her dress or hair, but about wanting to know the evening is going to go just fine. You respond to the real message. You can take this one step further if you like.

At some point, you might bring up her need for affirmation and talk about that. Ask her if there is anything you can say or do so that need is met. Trust is awareness of the intent beneath the obvious message and responding to that!

8. Be very very careful of keeping secrets. If he knows there is an elephant in the room and doesn’t talk about it, the elephant takes up tremendous space in the relationship.

It takes energy for him to walk around it. She may not see the elephant but knows he is bending his neck to look around something. She will be curious, mildly disturbed, have feelings but no words to wrap around them might wonder if something is wrong with her, or struggle with trusting her intuition (her intuition KNOWS an elephant is there.)

And, when we can’t trust the messages that come from us, we find it very difficult to trust the messages of the other person. Secrets demand tremendous energy and erode trust.

The relationship is doomed never to experience wall-banging intimacy. This is why extramarital affairs are so damaging. She is not so much concerned about him having sex with someone else as she is about the betrayal, lack of trust, the secrets and deception that are crazy-making and energy draining.

Now, please. I’m not saying that you sit your partner down and divulge the 23 secrets of your illicit past behaviours. If your illicit past behaviours. If you have resolved those, i.e. forgiven yourself, understand those behaviours, learned from them, and were able to use them to make the internal shifts necessary for your personal development, they do not qualify as an elephant.

Hopefully, in the course of growing intimacy in your relationship, you may want to share some of those events as you disclose to your partner where you were.

You do so without emotional charge. However, if a secret takes up room, i.e. still has an emotional charge and holds you back from disclosing more and more of yourself in the growing stages of intimacy, you have a problem that needs to be addressed with your partner.

9. Learn to say NO! Something you need to say NO! Often it is crucial to say NO! Saying NO sets boundaries around you that protect you from being hurt or venturing into territory that will be destructive to your heart and soul.

You draw a line. You stop tolerating that which drains energy and makes you less than YOU.

You refuse to allow the destructive behaviours of others to destroy you. You build a moat around the core of your life. You do this by informing the other person of what they are doing. You request they stop. If they don’t stop, you demand they stop. If they don’t stop you walk away without a snide remark, eye-roll, or comment.

To some, this seems harsh, but saying NO is RESPECTED. Fear is the basis of mistrust. If you fear that someone will hurt you and believe you have no recourse but to endure that hurt, fear will prevail. How can you trust when you are in fear?

Saying NO, protecting yourself, sends a message to the other person that you will not live in fear. This usually triggers a response of respect from the other person.

After all, if you can protect yourself and refuse subjugation to that which is destructive, will not the other person come to trust you and see you as a person who just might protect him/her from harm as well?

10. Dig into the dirt. Relationships of emotional investment, by their nature, bring trials, tribulations, fears, chaos, turmoil, change, stretching, and growth.

They become the grist from which your life is shaped and formed. Be fearless when faced with turmoil, upset, crisis, questions, and fears. When the time is right, seek them out. Move toward the frightening unknown.

Dig into the dirt of your relationship and uncover the treasures. Do you really TRUST that this can happen?

Happiness may be an outcome, but you really want to be. Obstacles, trials, and moments of pain are given as lessons on which you intentionally write the script of your life individually and together. Embrace the difficult.

Trust that in this embracing you will find more of your true self. Trust that you are given the resources and capacity to face what you are your significant other is to face. Once you are able to believe and trust these ultimate purposes, trusting your significant other will be that much easier.

11. Being open about your emotions is often an effective way to build trust. Furthermore, if people know that you care, they are more likely to trust you.

Emotional intelligence plays a role in building trust. Acknowledging your feelings, learning that prevail, and taking productive action means that you won’t deny reality- this is the key to building trust. (Trust in relationships)

12. The message you convey should always, always be the truth. If you are caught telling a lie, no matter how small, your trustworthiness will be diminished.

Helping another person, even if it provides no benefit to you, builds trust. Authentic kindness helps to build trust.